That Sinking Feeling...

...is funny!

I lie in this dirty bed in this messed up place for past one hour. Eyes firmly planted on the fan above, trying to count the rotations for some reason and fail. Series of distorted images and events and thoughts dances in front of my eyes without any connection, that takes my life to a toss –up and down and down and up and down… and down… and drown…and drown…

I look at this glass in front of me. The dangling liquid dances inside my eyes. It takes less than a second for us to become one. I blaze within, as we flow together kissing all over my nerves. I could feel the electricity in the air. I move my hands hazily like wings in an attempt to melt in the thin smoke that has surrounded me. The giggles and the music are dying deep inside my ears and I feel nothing. Bliss…

I’ve sold up my soul, long back. I live against reason. I act upon justifications to what I wouldn’t get convinced. I smile without honesty. I hear no one. I see nothing. The damage has been done. There’s no repair to it. I live the consequences. Happily.

When was that I was I? Where was it that I lived? I dreamt I’ll suffer less for that I loved goodness? But then what is good? Was I virtuous? Kind? I have fallen into the trap of my big fat lies? Lies. They never stop coming, do they? Was my confidence laid in those lies? Love, light, memories and more... are just deeds? Not more? Are these are just my mind’s workings? My figment of imagination? As I see the things unfold as they are, it seems there’s no truth –whatsoever-against me, with me.

Sometimes I imagine too much that I start to believe that I am in another world. I attempt to kill my ignorance which splits me into pieces and kills me in turn. Those lies have become my life. Now all has started to appear the same. The shriek, my scar, the boredom, the stray dog on the road side, the applause, the soft-chilly lips, the unpicked shirt, that slap on my face, the used napkin in the dustbin, the sticky tear drops on my finger tips all appears to have the same face. Bliss…

I swim through the shiny liquid as it continues to challenge my mortality. It claws me in its hands as I crave for the bank. I whirl against the waves as it tries to engulf the last drop of my soul with a vengeful thirst. I see my hands drop down; head drown as it sees through my eyes. All the objects around are shining with glee. Shine that blinds me with no mercy. I close my eyes slowly.

And then the mariachi group starts singing in my ears. Slowly, steadily, softly. "You wanted to fly without wings, you wanted to touch the sky, you wanted too many things, and you wanted to play with fire".

I could feel my heart heavy. I stand up and search for my reflection in the mirror. I see the red eyes, messed up hair; the face that I am so used to, for so many years looks so different these days. I brush away the desire to break the mirror down into pieces. I see deep into those eyes. I feel like a drop of dried up vomit on the window sill. And strangely, I laugh out loud.

This is funny, this feeling.